Back to Square One

Ever had that feeling when after a long time of not talking to each other, you suddenly decided to text/message/call that person first thing in the morning.. and for some odd reasons, it felt like it's back to square one all over again.

  Yes, back to square one. The place where it's a blank page all over again and you have to start thinking of what beautiful things to put in that blank page. Only this time, you have to be careful and your heart is all guarded up. There are walls built up around you, because you want to make sure that this time, you won't get hurt--- by the same person.

I don't know, but when I woke up this morning.. I tried, I sent him a good morning text. Just a plain one, no sweet stuffs whatsoever. Square one, remember? I know he's not going to reply so I decided not to care but just when I thought he's not going to reply he did. He replied. My heart pounded. It felt like the first time he texted me. The feeling? Sparks fly! Every single time my phone light blinks blue, I get that same old feeling. Only this time, it's guarded. No gooey eyes. No smiles that can light up the world. Only a face that got a random text message coz from that moment on, it's nothing romantic. We're nothing but two individuals going our separate ways not knowing what's in store for us. Just two individuals trying to be friends, trying to be less than the lover that we were before. Going back to square one is no easy task. You go through mind bugging questions whether or not this one's right, what if you two cant be anything but lovers, what if the only reason why you're back to square one is to pretend that you two can be just friends. But what if you two can't be just friends? It's a complex question that people always answer with, "I don't know. We'll see." What if going back to square one means another shot at happiness, at success, at love? But what if this time you fail again. You unexpectedly got your hopes too high.. and theres no other way to hit the ground but to just let yourself fall hard again and feel all the pain.

  Going back to square one would also mean realizing that you have to let go of all the past memories. All the things he did to you, all the things he told you. Gone. All the way down the drain. Clean slate for the two of you. Besides, that's what you want, right? To finally move on and leave all the things that hurt behind. What if you can't? Then don't go back to square one just yet. You're not ready. Face it. No matter how hard you want to go back to square one, if your entire being doesn't respond to the thought of it. You just can't. You'll fail. You'll be bitter instead of being better. That's not your aim. So dear friend, give your self time to think, time to heal and time to regain all the strength you lost. There's no point in rushing things. Take all the time you need. Square one is just around the corner. When you're finally ready, things are going to be a lot brighter, the world gets wider and the view gets more beautiful.

 

 "I see the trees are green, red roses too.. I see them bloom for me and you. I think to myself.. what a wonderful world." 

 

  This time, I'm willing to fight for myself. Not for him and not for anyone else. This time, I'll love myself a little bit more. This time, I'll make my future a bit brighter. This time, I'll make sure I mean it. This time, it's for me. Going back to square one, for me means taking care of myself first before others. Looking out for myself before anything else. Protecting myself from all the possible destructions. Going back to square one for me, means being stronger than I used to be. I should be able to take care of myself first before I can acknowledge the idea of pursuing a love, I'm not even sure if it's even bound to happen or bound to happen again. In time, I'll know. :)

There's something about Blair and Chuck that keeps me going. remember when Blair told Chuck that in order for her to be Chuck's Girlfriend, she has to be Blair Waldorf first. That's what I'm trying to do.. Blair no matter how evil minded she is at times, is my inspiration in rough times. "I followed my heart all last year and it led me nowhere, now I need to follow my head."  Blair is my kind of woman. I can see myself in her shoe. She's an undeniably strong woman. Going back to square one is already sort of easy for her to do. She's been there and back. I'd like to do that, until everything is finally okay. Until everything makes sense again. :)



Toodles,

Shayne. <3